Alcohol is not an excuse, and neither is the length of my skirt. Tough2Talk takes International Women’s Day 2021.
*The following entry consists of sensitive content that may be triggering for abuse survivors. Please read ahead with caution. *
For International Women’s Day 2021 I choose to challenge the stereotypes, stigmas and shaming that too often occurs in cases of sexual abuse and exploitation. Alcohol is not an excuse, and neither is the length of my skirt.
First and foremost, sexual abuse is something that can happen to anyone. It is not restricted or limited by gender or sexuality. In fact, according to Survivors Trust members of the LGBTQ+ community have a disproportionately higher likelihood of experiencing sexual violence than their cis-gendered, heterosexual peers. Moreover, data obtained from March 2018 shows 3.7% of disabled adults aged 16 to 59 years reported experiencing any sexual assault in the last year in England and Wales, compared with 1.9% of non-disabled adults. We must acknowledge the alarming fact that those who are vulnerable, are more likely to be a target for these crimes. They need our support.
Tough2Talk does not intend to guilt-trip or humiliate male readers in writing this piece, I truly do not believe that would be a proactive way of going about obtaining your support. I do, however, wish to empower you to take on some of the heavy weight of responsibility to mitigate sexual abuse and to promote women’s rights in public and in private. Do not just reflect on these crimes because you have a sister or a daughter, reflect on them because we are all human beings who do not deserve to endure a future riddled with trauma.
BACKGROUND INFORMATION
‘Sexual violence is a major issue affecting women around the world. It occurs within homes, on college campuses, in times of conflict, and in times of peace. Society has developed a certain attitude towards sexual assault. It has been embedded within culture that women are lesser than men and viewed as subordinate. Sexual violence has been normalized by media, society to actual assault and hindering action against it. Women often bear the responsibility and blame of their assault rather than their attacker. This failure to protect victims of sexual assault and shifting of the blame to women for their own assault is termed rape culture; it is when the traumatic assault of a woman is trivialized, when men are given a pass and women are scolded for what they were wearing at the time of the attack, and when a woman would rather stay silent than seek the prosecution of her assailant. Sexual violence and the consequences of rape culture are violations of human rights in which the dignity and equality of women are not recognized. Rape culture is a human rights issue rooted in patriarchal societies, the normalization of sexual violence in media, and victim blaming.’
This International Women’s day campaign looks to shine a spotlight on the inequality women face in public and in private spheres. This fiercely common experience has been explained through feminist theory whereby patriarchal ideologies have been cultivated across history and have now become part of the fabric of our society.
The past week, I spent time reflecting on these issues and collaborating with a survivor of sexual abuse. We want to deliver this story in the hope of raising awareness, to encourage survivors to challenge victim blame and to never question your ability to get justice.
“My experience wasn’t quite like the movies I’d watched- an unknown, outwardly violent antagonist, showing no remorse. Many people unfortunately do have stories like this, but there is also an inconspicuous side of rape that needs to be brought to light.
He was a smiley guy from my sports team who was just ‘helping me get home’ because I was ‘drunk’. I was falling all over non-stop and had pretty much forgotten my name. He let me into my house and that was the end of the night.
That’s the narrative he held onto until I forced it out of him.
The next morning, I did not wake up tucked in bed and safe. I had woken up completely naked, with a swollen lip, bruises and scratches. It was unlike any hangover I’ve had. It was a completely different sensation. I was delirious and mentally scattered.
My night was going well to the point I can still clearly recite every small detail two years on. This was until the point I was talking to him. Shortly after that conversation, it all went completely blank and I opened my eyes the next day.
Once I found out he took me home, I initially thanked him. He told me that I was in a terrible state and accepted my thank you, attempting to leave it at that. As the morning went on, something felt wrong, so I asked him if anything else happened. He was in denial, but I kept pushing as I knew by my mental state and appearance, something was not right. He tried to get away with altering the story from a quick drop off at the door to a panicked ‘we just kissed!’. I accepted this for a while until I had a flash back I couldn’t quite make sense of — It was him standing over me while I was completely flat on my bed. I could see myself struggling to push him away until I eventually gave in.
The apologies and regret flew from his side, left right and centre. All for a meaningless kiss?
The worst part is that I felt bad about how he was feeling. I even comforted him. I thought, how could he do wrong with all this remorse? Maybe he didn’t know what he was doing either?
I should have been asking: why did you try and sleep with me when I was falling over, had lost all sense of self, and was in such ‘a terrible state’? Why did he try and keep it from me? WHY did he lie?
He lied because he spiked me. It was a premeditated attack. His hyper sense of remorse derived from a state of panic when he realised, I might actually remember stuff. He plastered me with his newfound remorse and left me doubting my own instincts.
I never made it to the police station, I never made a report.
I became destructive and sabotaged my relationships, cut off friendships and eventually left my education.
I wasn’t aware of how frequently this happens to people. I was not taught that more than 90% of sexual assault victims know their attacker. Growing up, I heard far more about the wrongly accused, rather than the many who are abused. I had so much anxiety about coming forward and being labelled a liar because that’s the narrative I was most familiar with.
1 in 5 women face sexual assault and a man is 230 times more likely to be raped than wrongly accused. The absence of these facts has caused myself and others to doubt our experiences and have made us fearful of coming forward.
When I came across ‘I May Destroy You’ (2020) written and acted by Michaela Coel, it hit home harder than anything. It was almost a complete reflection of my experience, an experience that is so common yet hardly spoken of. Over two years on, watching this series finally gave me closure that what I went through was in fact rape. I was not being ‘dramatic’ or ‘over exaggerating’.
I was reluctant to share this online, but it is so important for stories like mine and Michaela Coel’s to be heard and recognised. Too many people are letting slip of their traumatic experiences, leaving their scars open and their offenders comfortable.
Not only does this help me find peace and acceptance with my experience, I ultimately want it to encourage others to fight for justice and help society prevent acts like these from ever happening to them. I wish I had been better informed before this happened to me.
I, *ANONYMOUS* choose to challenge the sexual exploitation of women. Let us say ‘no’ to victim blaming and support survivors in dealing with traumatic events.”
I hope this piece has been helpful. I am by no means an expert on this matter, but I am extremely grateful for my anonymous source coming forward and speaking on this so candidly. I have left links to various charities and support networks on my Instagram post via @tough2talk_ for more information.
Happy International Women’s Day all,
Tough2Talk ❤
